Perfection is a disease of a nation

still waiting for the pain to stop. for the numbing to overcome my body. sedation. slows the muscles and the mind. the shakes in my hand. and the tragic fucking thoughts that wont stop going through my mind. My mind which at times seems so unattatched and lost. What happened to the calm, unstressed, relaxed kid i once knew. I mean i know i've gone through some downer funks. but this anxiety is actually driving me crazy. and whats worse is the feeling that nobody understands. they see the out side, that girl who bakes and cleans and keeps a clean room, made bed. but what they dont see is driving me to points which scare me. have you ever felt like you were screaming inside but the only thing people saw was a smiling face. because thats how i feel all the time. Like a fucking crazy person. i dont know maybe this is just a really bad day and this will pass.

The flowers dangled in a jar. The sun shone down just hitting the pedals, lighting up the room with a new warmth. The fresh frost holding its place on the windows trying not to be erased within the shining sun. A large green bubble formed as the teenage girl sat in the chair making an extra dramatic pop and proceeding to chew as obnoxiously as she could. "Alexandra, Ms Tate will see you now." the secretary stated with a smirk. Alexandra gritted her teeth dispising anyone who would call her anything but "Alex." "Oh and you can spit that gum out now." She said in a dry tone. Alex entered Ms Tate's office which was filled with motivational posters urging kids to "Dream big!" and "Shoot for the stars!". She clearly had a lot of work to do as her desk seemed to be sinking under a mass of papers. "Hello Alex, and how are we today?"

When a Kiss was the Cure And id Save my Breath.

Do you Regret the actions of the night? I don't regret the actions but possibly the consequences... What consequences might come of your choices? The potential loss of a friendship. So you feel your choices were valid, but you would regret the consequence? I suppose when thinking of it now losing a friend, especially over a kiss, isn't worth it. Okay, So kissing your friend wasn't worth it then. How can I say it wasn't worth it when in that moment it was everything I wanted, would it not be a contradiction? Or perhaps it was the addition of the alcohol which might have been a cause for my lack of better judgement. Or maybe I'm simply a weak human being who falls to the falter of their feelings. I'm at a LOSS. I can't say I wouldn't do it again and again. But if I lose the friendship might I choose differently? An amazing person like that only seems worth it. I was addicted to the sent, the way our eyes met and instantly our bodies were drawn together, the simply feeling of being caught, of causing a scene....a scandal. At the end it won't be worth it. But in the moment it was ecstasy and everything more.

to crave.

She stands on the corner..or is it a he. I cant tell, I'm tipsy, and trying to make it home, i have to pee. As i began to pass they call out for a smoke i apologize because in that instance i really wish i had a smoke. I set my small electric fan upon my garbage can. my bed has no sheet. and im still living out of my suit cases. must find a job. must find a friend.

fuck it.

Change. Its Inevitable. I sit, I ponder, whats next. A feeling of anxiety sits in me, a feeling of aloneness. fuck it. fuck it. fuck. it. fuck. fuck. breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe. fuck. trying to forget, impossible. i try, but why, whats the fucking point. i curse, i stress, i feel, i remeber, i curse, its moral, i laugh i cry i smile i lie. i cant, i feel everything. its human, its me. i am me, intoxicated by the world and all of its influences. whats next.

ive got a sand-castle heart

A sense of uneasiness sits upon me. A feeling i cant seem to shake..an aloness. this is a blurb. an array of words crowded amongst a page. i attempt to release but alas i'm caught up in the feeling of judgement. this is my attempt at being honest.. a few too many. an attraction. a sense of depression. my mind goes blank or maybe im fearful, of the failure

at least i shall have my cat.

a constant blink. my cursor taps impatiently...awaiting brilliance. im distraught, distracted, exhausted.
a quiet hum of electronics buzzes about my simplistic room.
tap.
tap.
tap.
am i a liar or do i lie. am i honest or honestly afraid. do i care or do i dare. a smile lurks deeply within me, a rebelliance. a sigh, a lonesome cry. do i dream or am i a dreamer. shall i dare? do i dare? shall i leap into the clean white love? or shall i forever be in a tip toe, daring myself to cross the tightrope, or swing the trapeze, shall i jump in? or do i stand in fear.