alls i really wanted was love.

As per usually my mind is wandering...the clock continues to tick but my mind cannot seem to slow. a florecent red glowed amongst the snow covered roof and gloomed into the window facing my bed. i put a song on repeat and daze in and out of memories. my life seems dull and meaningless in this moment. My feelings were elated after the arrival of a friend. the comfort warmed me. i was pleased but only for a moment. and then simply disgust. how could i have tripped myself into such a trap. like grabbing a double pierced sword i cut myself without the slightest realization. my chest ached, was this not what i had wanted? it hurt even more then the let down of hope. i pretended it didn't hurt i even smiled. but deep down i was bleeding and it was my own fault.